You met. A few words quickly transform in what can only be described as an adult online date. It all feels like an outer body experience. You simply cannot rationalize what the hell just happened. How’s that even possible? You are a grown man, with family, experience, a developed sense of right and wrong and possible and impossible.
And yet, somehow, on some level, just a few words in the right moment triggered the avalanche in your body. Once again you feel young, excited, overwhelmed.
So you continue the conversation. Everything starts to fit in perfectly. Whatever you think, your online date thinks. Whatever she is saying you understand perfectly. It’s like she is the missing part of you, your soulmate and not just some c.
It is beyond reasonable. Beyond logic. More time is passing more you are questioning the sole possibility of the entire situation. You’ve been married for a long time now and have met numerous women during the time. How’s it possible that you failed to recognize her? Where did you miss her when it is obvious that you two, once a long time ago have actually met in person and even talk to each other?
The set of pictures she has sent to you only deepens your sense that you know this woman. You touched her. Your lives already crossed at one point in time. So why didn’t you recognize her then?
It’s simple: think about yourself back then and now. Your state of mind in the early twenties was not yet developed. You were looking for fun and what you focus on expands; same as she was.
Nowadays, you are looking for understanding above all. Looking for someone who will not get pissed with your every idea or move. Looking for someone who will support you no matter what. Most importantly – looking for someone who will enjoy having sex with you! And just when you’ve decided to check the profile of that girl who keeps commenting the same things you do, you are receiving the message – from her. What are the odds?
Message after message and you are starting to experience some strange, long forgotten sensations all over your body. Your brain is overwhelmed. Hormones are wreaking havoc on your daily routine. You just cannot get her out of your mind.
To make things even worse (or better), the feeling is mutual. She is in a state of trance. You two are living some strange, virtual life and neither of you can provide with the logical explanation of what is going on here. It’s against common sense. And it’s just the Day 1.
After only a few days, both of you are so confident and sure that you are exchanging the cell phones numbers. You are calling her at the agreed time, sneaking and hiding so nobody could hear you talking. Your knees start to shiver when you hear her voice for the first time. Gentle, almost scared, like you are talking to a girl and not to a woman.
Communication is somewhat different because typing and speaking directly are two quite different things. You just cannot say what you are saying with the keyboard. But that’s fine – the feeling is mutual.
You can spare only a few minutes and then you have to return. The message is already there. She is excited and happy. So you continue to talk, to enjoy, to feel once again. And what is most important: you are starting to be felt by someone. Someone who understand the very essence of your being.
Is it a game?
Is someone trying to play you just for fun or some kind of personal vendetta?
Well, that demands a little bit of analysis. Think about the moments, contexts and associated motives. Always ask Why(?) did something happen. Most likely, the thing is for real, no matter how strange it feels or looks.
But it’s not that easy. She’s involved in a deep relationship same as you. Should you act upon it? Should you do something?
You are starting to question the principles upon which you are living your life.
You provide, you secure, you live with someone who’s been by your side for better and for worse for a long period of time. But the flow of thoughts in your head doesn’t have anything with the woman you’ve just met on a Facebook. Her appearance just triggered your innate sense of rebellion. You are not someone who can be satisfied with mediocre things. It’s either 100% or it’s not at all.
And here’s the problem: no matter how devoted you are to your wife and children, you are starting to feel like a practical tool; nothing more. No love, no passion, only a selfish motive to keep you around since it is more practical that way.
In the same time, you are feeling like a prisoner in your own home. Demands, requests and everyday life are starting to annoy you; day after a day. Because, on the threshold of the 40s, you are starting to really push forward. You know your children are growing fast and you need to make sure you are in a situation where you can provide them with the essential help and make their lives as much easier as possible. It is who you are – a man, a provider.
More you think about it, more you are getting the confirmation that your current lifestyle is limiting you. You will never evolve or progress in these circumstances. You’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, carefully planning your every next step and calculating the odds and weighing the opportunities against the risks. And all that time, you knew that every move you would try to make in order to improve things, at least on the financial level, will hit the brick wall at your wife.
It’s a fight.
And then, all of the sudden, you meet someone who fully understands you and who is willing to break all the boundaries just to meet you and hold you. It’s like a dream. Like she doesn’t exist but only in your head. It feels like you are arguing with your imaginary soulmate…arguing and talking to yourself. One mind in two different bodies. The reflection of you. It’s an outer body experience, no other way to describe that feeling. But the fact is: whether she’s for real or just in your imagination, you know one thing: you love her and you will love her like no one before, now or in the future, because she is the missing part of you…the perfect connection.
Should you break your word and your principles? Should you leave for good? Is it a selfish thing to do?
You are not a kid anymore. You are an experienced, fully grown man. How does it feel? Does it feel right even after a couple of days? Is the feeling gaining on the momentum?
It’s true that you need to separate emotional from logical, but you are a human being after all and in theory, that’s easy, but as you can see now, practice is somewhat different. Maybe it’s time to include the emotional component in your rationalization. You know how they say: sometimes you need to follow your heart.
Because, what’s the purpose of your current life if you are not happy with it?
You can often hear that “She flipped his mind and dragged him away from his family”. Not even once do they ask themselves how’s that possible? Why did it happen all of the sudden? What is the reason?
And the reason is simple: the lack of true passion.
It happens vice versa also. Women play this game also and all because they seek for some passion. After all, the woman you are talking to right now is someone who is looking for the same thing you are. Do you dare to miss that opportunity?
Should you really disregard the God-given opportunity to feel excited and passionate again? Is this perhaps a lame attempt to justify the moral no-no? Perhaps. But who can judge that?
What differentiates us from other species – as far as we know – is the explosive enthusiasm and passion. Two things that raised us to reign supreme as a species on this beautiful planet. Don’t forget that the sole reason why you’ve got married in the first place is passion and enthusiasm for what lies ahead.
And now that fire is long gone. Forgotten feeling of someone who once lived with full lungs. But – and keep this in mind – this perspective can only be a superficial look. Fire may be buried under the layers of life’s deposits. Maybe you just need to shake the ground a bit.
Naturally, you are thinking of leaving and starting again.
Does that mean that you will neglect your family? No, of course not. You have space now and the opportunity to push even harder. Passion is burning inside of you and you feel young again, ready for everything. Use this passion in the best interest of you and your children otherwise, everything is in vain.
Does that mean that you will neglect your wife? Not for one second. You will continue to provide for her even from a distance at least until she finds someone else to do that for her.
And this is another instance of the entire situation that you have to take into consideration. Your wife will find someone sooner than you think. She needs it. She needs to feel secure. Maybe it’s for the best when you think about it. After a long time, your wife will also find her passion and revive her spirit.
When that happens, you will become only a faded memory.
Can you deal with it? Can you live knowing that now, in difference from the last couple of years, your wife is having sex with some stranger 2 to 3 times per day? They are doing it like kids, same as you or even better – same as two of you were doing it once upon a time.
Some men, regardless of the fact that they’ve decided to leave and start again, cannot handle that thought. They cannot stand the sole image of their ex-wives wildly enjoying themselves in hands of another man.
That is a selfish and corrupted way of reasoning things. If you are about to leave for good, somebody will take your place in a matter of weeks, whether you are aware of that or not. Make your peace with that. And pray to God that she finds someone who will take care of her the way she deserves; the way you did it once.
That being said, there is another dimension of this situation that has to be discussed here.
Don’t just pack your bags and leave without saying anything. Don’t pick the fight to make it easier for yourself. It should be hard. Sit down and explain everything. And remember: the woman you’ve met has nothing to do with your choice to leave. The reason is deeper and caused by you and your wife and it is not some fresh idea you just came up with. This is something that has been crossing your mind frequently lately so don’t explain it the wrong way.
Because in the optimal situation, there is no way in hell that some stranger, no matter who that might be, could somehow interfere with your marriage. Strong things cannot be broken that easily. So it is obvious that something isn’t working as it should. And who knows, maybe that talk will spark the fire between two of you and everything will get back in the normal state. There is a good chance for that once you’ve shaken the ground.
The next obvious question you might have is: can you love two women at the same time since it is irrational to even imagine that you can stop loving your wife?
Yes, you can but in different ways.
You see, you will always love your wife. Even if you hate each other guts it means that you still care for each other because hate can emerge only from love. Indifference doesn’t have the potential to raise the blood pressure.
You two will always be the only ones who truly know each other because you have grown together and matured together. Now you are fully formed individuals with many miles in your legs, but you have started as babies – learning to crawl in order to walk.
It will be a different kind of love but yes, in the end, you can love two women. But whatever you choose to do, make sure you shake the ground thoroughly or you might resent yourself later.